Bill, an email buddy of mine, is a Career Counselor, and he sent me this "Interest Inventory", a test you take that shows what fields of work you're interested in.  It's called the "COPS" test, although it never does say what that means.  I point it out so later you'll get one of the jokes.

It's pretty simple.  It places you in a situation and you decide (four choices) how much you:

But, as you'd expect, some of the wording was just a bit little off, and there might have been a few mixtakes here and there, so naturally I had to straighten things out.  This was my reply to Bill after I took the test.  

Dear Bill: 

Thanks for the great test, it was lots of fun! 

A couple of comments, if I may. 

First, I liked how 'couched' some of the questions were.  The one about "Processing food" sounded pretty cool — until you realized they meant standing in front of some rancid food-canning machine all day long. 

"Maintain park grounds" 

Read: "Pick up litter over thirteen square miles." 

"Record sales and expenses in a book or ledger" 

Book?  Ledger?  Gee, I might have put "like" if they had said "computer".  [glancing inside front cover of test booklet, noting copyright date of 1947] 

"Use a lettering machine to make an advertisement or graph" 

Correct me if I'm wrong, Bill, but could my expensive computer, with $2,500 worth of fancy graphic imaging programs, exotic paint kits, a library full of clip art and four deluxe Desktop Publishing programs, be construed as a "lettering machine"?  I put "like", just in case. 

"Help cure pain by relocating bones and muscles" 

Once again, please? 

"Plant trees or replace those cut down" 

Those are your only choices.  You can plant trees, OR replace those cut down, but please — don't do both at once. 

"Talk law makers and politicians into passing certain laws" 

What this suggests, of course, is that our laws are NOT made by the democratic majority, but by a handful of glib lobbyists who probably got their start taking tests just like this one! 

"Make a painting showing the design of a new building" 

Gosh, Bill, I didn't know one could "make" a painting.  After I'm through here, I think I'll pick up my guitar and "make" a few songs. 

"Study rocks and fossils to find minerals" 

Now I'm picturing myself standing there smashing apart dinosaur fossils looking for gold. :) 

"Use an adding machine to find errors in addition" 

Or, as I would have phrased it: 

"Use an adding machine to find errors in subtraction".  

"Develop and print pictures in a photographer's darkroom" 

A double-redundancy.  You don't need the word "darkroom" here — where ELSE would you develop pictures? 

And, of course it's a photographer's darkroom — whose else would it BE? 

"Warn people about things that could start a fire" 

"HEY, YOU, PUT OUT THAT MATCH!!"  Walk right up to people on the street and get into long discussions about the dangers of storing rags and paper near the water heater.  Direction!  That's what a test like this gives one! 

"Spray chemicals on floors to meet health standards" 

Translate to: "Breathe toluene fumes 8 hours a day - Call Now!" 

"Lead an orchestra or band" 

What?  I don't get to PLAY??  Thirty years of musical education down the DRAIN?? 

Oh, wait.  It says here I can: 

"Be a band or art instructor" 

Well, I guess that means I occasionally get to HOLD an instrument.  Wow! 

"Lead a group recreational training program" 

Gosh, Bill, I didn't know there WAS such a thing as "recreational training".  Would this be training that's fun to do, or training people how to have fun, or teaching a group of people how to teach others how to have fun? 

I put "LIKE", just in case. 

"Learn how ocean currents effect the weather" 

This one had a real affect on me! 

"Test blood samples to find traces of alcohol" 

Well, at least the test lived up to its name:  COPS! 

"Design a space station" 

You know, Bill, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided this is really the career goal for me.  It..It had just never occurred to me before that I COULD be a space station designer!  This is JUST (slapping fist into palm) what makes a test like this so valuable — the introduction of new ideas! 

"Record and report aircraft landings" 

Like the music, this was as close as I ever got.  I don't get to play music, but it's okay if I teach others.  I don't get to fly airplanes, but it's okay if I sit there and watch others land.  Hmm. 

I put "Dislike Immensely", just in case. 

"As a waiter or waitress serve people in a restaurant" 

Another double redundancy.  "Waiter" is now PC for both sexes, like "actor".  And I think just "Serve people in a restaurant" would get the point across. :) 

"Use a printing or paper folding machine" 

That is, a machine that folds paper, or printing. 

Here's one trouble with a test like this:  

"Approve expenses for a large corporation" 

Yes, I'd (L)ike very much to have that kind of power and money, but it's a horrendously tough, long-hours environment with a lot of pressure, so I would also (D)islike it very much, so I compromised by just (l)iking it, thereby answering with a truthful lie. 

"Guard a public building against fire or theft" 

HEY, YOU WITH THAT CIGARETTE...STAND BACK!  THIS WHOLE BUILDING COULD GO UP! 

Thieves, Sir?  No thieves are going to steal this building while I'M on duty, no sir!! 

And last, but not least: 

"Take chest X-rays" 

They didn't say for which sex. :) 

And thanks again for giving me a new career goal, Bill.  I can't wait to call up my local junior college and enroll in their next Space Station Design Class!