So, ya look like a real rookie there, don't ya?  Fingers fumbling all over the keyboard, punching out letters at about six words a minute...

Yeah, that's you, all right.

Give me ten minutes a day for 26 days and you'll be cured forever.

It's very easy.  This is called "intuitive learning" and it works like a charm.  If it seems silly, well, so are a lot of things if you try to describe them in words.  Philosophy, for example.

Okay, ready?  Your left fingertips go on the A-S-D-F keys, and your right on the J-K-L-; keys.

Rule:  You may only look at the key once, then you have to look at the screen from there on out.  You may cheat, of course, as long as I don't catch you, but then it will be on your conscience and your dreams will be fitful.
 

Day One

Place your fingers on the keyboard correctly.  Look under your left little finger at the A key.  Say "A" out loud.  Push down on the key, saying "A" out loud each time.  It has to be out loud, in a normal room-level voice.  Drop your voice down as you say it, like you're ending a sentence.  Say it like a real word, like it's a real thing.

Hit the key twice in a row, going "A-A" out loud.  Now three times.  Now once.  Now three, now two, now one.  Out loud, each time. "A-A-A-A-A".

Very good!  You have now learned the A key and are 1/26th the way there!

Continue this lesson for the duration of the ten minutes.  Do not hit any other key or peek ahead.  The A key is your only focus for the day.
 

Day Two

The B key.  Find it, and press your left index finger down on it, speaking the letter "B" out loud as you do.  Do it once, twice, many times.  For the entire next 24 hours, that B key is your best friend.  Think about it.  Dream about it.  Engage others in meaningful conversation about it.

When you're confident that you can say the letter "B" out loud while simultaneously striking the B key, try "A....B".  Slowly, steadily, A, then B, then maybe B then A.  Then something really tricky like "A-A-A...B-B-B".  You may experiment with different combinations, but DO NOT try anything over your head.  Keep speaking out loud and keep the pace manageable.  Nice and steady: "A-A-A..B-B-B."
 

Day Three

Find the C key.  Nice and gently press it down, speak the letter "C" out loud at the same time.  "C-C-C".  Say, you're really getting good!  Okay, when you've worked the C key around and around for a few minutes, bring in one of the old gang, the A or B.  Don't bring them both in at once or things will get a bit crowded...just "A-C...C-A", then "B-C...C-B".  Then, when you've really got your wind up, try all three.  You'll want to cheat and peek down really badly, but steel yourself to these feelings of weakness.  Tell yourself that only losers do things like that.  You're not a wimp; you're a tough, gritty guy who forges his own destiny and you're gonna show these fingers just who's boss!
 

Day Four, Etc

Continue as before, incorporating a new key into the gang each day.  In your daily ten-minute lessons, you are severely restricted to just the exercises we've discussed, but, on your own time, you should 'notice' your buddies as you type them.  Like, if you suddenly type the word "CAT", you can look down at the C and A keys and say, "Hey, guys!".  You cannot, of course, say the same thing to the T key, as it's only Day Four of your lessons.

At the end of your 26-day sojourn you will be able to type.  You will gain speed with practice, and, the more you type, the longer you'll remember it. If you type for 30 minutes one day, that means that you'll remember everything you know about typing for 3 days.  You can store this knowledge up, so it would be wise for you to type as much as you can for the first couple of months.  When you have enough of it stored up to last you for the rest of your life, that's when your skills will almost magically be elevated to the next higher level and you will begin to type very, very well.

See ya there.