(I wrote this almost 20 years ago in the message base of my BBS.  If you're going to read it, read it all the way through or you'll miss the point.)
 

From: Sysop 
To: Greg Nelson 
Subj: Unhistory Lesson 

History is bunk.  A sham.  A fraud.  That we "learn from history" so that we "don't make the same mistake twice" is a big fat myth.  "History", meaning the last 5,000 years, doesn't have the slightest impact on the average person, doesn't help him with the day-to-day decisions he makes in his life, doesn't solve the big problems of our day, and doesn't answer my many questions.

And this is easy to prove.

Suspend all thought.  Your mind is a blank, fresh canvas upon which to write.  Let me tell you some of the history of the planet Earth.

There was once a race of mighty people who rose up in Canada and built these huge stone pyramids.  A religious fervor swept the planet for ages, with people focused on what was referred to as the "Holy Land", occupying most of what we today call Australia.  A "Renaissance" of ideas took place in the Azores during the Middle Ages, spawning a new age for mankind.  Unfortunately, there have been five World Wars since then, with many needless deaths.  The United Kingdom Of Europe and the United States of North America were aggressive antagonists throughout most of this, although the Republic of South America finally got into the land grab during World War IV.

The light bulb was invented in Skloskovisk, U.S.S.R., by a man named Gravisky, who also invented the phonograph.  When Thomas Bacon Aristotle invented the transistor in 1921, a new age of electronics was born.  The New Hebrides soon became major transistor manufacturers, although their economy plummeted when John Flubnick from Floshdunk, New Jersey, invented the microchip in 1951.  Since then, Floshdunk has prospered and one particular area on the northeast side of town is generally referred to as "Silicon Valley".  Our President is from the Demopublican Party, has flaming red hair a foot high, is currently having problems with his health plan, and now one of his close confederates is in legal trouble.  But this stuff always happens so we don't give it much thought.  You could increase the greed, avarice and deceit of Wichita, DC, politics by twice, and ours would still be the best system around.

Environmentally, the planet isn't doing too bad, all things considered.  There's talk of this "hole in the ion layer", but scientists are still puzzling the whole thing out.  Here in Califorigon, the water is plentiful and clean, but we've just gone through an eight-year "electrical drought", with the power grid falling hopelessly behind consumer demand.  The rates went through the roof, of course, and we all had to conserve at home or face big fines.  It wasn't too bad, though.  We just didn't blow-dry the dog after his bath and didn't flush the electric toilet as much.  Anyways, things are about as good as they can be, given the crazy history the planet's had.

As you can imagine.

But history as a "lesson", or an "answer"?  I don't know.  I look back at the five World Wars, and what do I learn, "War is bad"?  I look back at the great Crusades to the Empire of Australia, all the senseless killing, and I think, "Religion can be stupid"?  The Purple Plague wiped out 2/3rds of South America during the Sub-Middle Ages, so what am I supposed to think, "Disease can be a real bummer"?

I KNOW all that stuff, and NONE of it's gonna tell me how to fix acid rain, the rampant smog, our drying water table, our diminishing resources, the ozone layer, the slaying of the rain forests, AIDS, the space station dilemma, my van's engine or my broken heart.  NONE of it.  All the problems we have today are either brand-new problems and history doesn't know beans about them, or ageless problems that NO amount of history has ever been able to solve.

Like how to fix my broken heart.

If you, yourself, happen to have a different version of the planet's history, I'd be curious to hear how your version can solve some of these problems, whereas mine can't. 
 

From: Warren Burnett 
To: Sysop 
Subj: Unhistory Lesson 

Bunk?!?!?!?!  How can you say history is bunk?  Sure it may not help with that fight you just had with your wife or explain why your kids won't listen to you or why you have to eat all your vegetables, but it sure does explain alot of other things.  It also helps keep things in perspective.

There is a reason for nearly everything.  History tells you what those reasons are.  For instance, without knowing history, I wouldn't know why our government waffled on Somalia and is waffling on Bosnia.  Now, while those may seem abstract problems compared to the pile of dishes in the kitchen sink, they wouldn't be if you got drafted next week.

So, while history won't answer your questions about what to have for dinner tomorrow, it might just let you appreciate the fact that having that be your biggest worry is a pretty nice thing.

Well, I did seem to ramble on a bit there, but I just couldn't believe that you, a seemingly educated, fine, upstanding member of our little civilization could make such an off-the-wall statement as "History is bunk."
 

From: Sysop 
To: Warren Burnett 
Subj: Unhistory Lesson 

I'm sorry, Warren, but I must vehemently disagree with you.

We would be nothing without history.  The difference between a civilized people and sheer anarchy is 'having a history'.  From history, we learn the lessons that make us a society of people, as referred to a tribe of savages.  From history, we have learned that national conflicts lead nowhere in the long run.  We'll always have border conflicts, that's the nature of the beast, but full-scale war might very well be a thing of the past forever.  Think of it, Warren.  Ten thousand years of war, a hundred million lives needlessly lost, and we might have been there to see it end.  That, my friend, is history.

History has also given us most of the creature comforts we enjoy.  Without a careful, painstaking recording of mankind's achievements, the scientific progress we so enjoy today would have been chaos.  You like your cool Amiga computer?  Thank history.

And your neat computer is just the start.  You like walking down to the market without the fear of being killed?  Thank history.  You like the knowledge that if you get seriously ill, there's a chance that you actually may NOT die because there's a big modern hospital just down the road?  Thank history.  The TV we see, the magazines we read, the radio we listen to, the words we use, our very thought patterns themselves, have their roots buried deep in history.

History is the common thread that links us to our primordial ancestors, and beyond.  Without it, we are only beasts in the wild.

Furthermore, I-

(pause) 

Hey, wait a minute. 

(glancing up at previous letter) 

Hey, you were the guy who was FOR history! 

This...this is the WRONG ARGUMENT!!

Never mind. :/