Darn!  You've been using the mouse quite a bit lately and your wrist hurts.  Why, oh why, can't they just design an ergonomically-correct mouse pad?  The little foam bump on the front of the pad that supports your wrist helps a bit, but your hand keeps sliding from side to side.  Why can't they just design one that has a natural feel to it?

Hey, wait — they have!

Sex, sex, sex!  That's all you ever think about!

But enough is enough!  Fed up with billboards and TV and radio and the Internet constantly barraging you with sex all day long, you've decided to make a serious change.

You're going to become a naturalist!  Armed with a few good books, you leave the big city and its materialistic trappings behind and move to a tiny cabin in the woods.  It's just you and nature, the way it ought to be!  And, best of all, you're not constantly reminded about sex, sex, sex!

Okay, so your experiment in naturalism was a colossal failure.  You move back to the city and undergo years of intensive psychotherapy.  Finally, your doctor pronounces you cured!  No longer will you constantly see sexual innuendo all around you.  You're cured!  Cured! 

Remember the movie 'Babe'?  Wasn't he just the cutest little fella?  And remember that scene when the nasty old cat got thrown out in the rain?  Ha-ha-ha!  Dang, that was funny!

But you know what they say about laughing last. 

So, I heard you were a "chicken".

Hey, that's what I heard!  I read it on the Internet, so it must be true.

Now, I hate to spread rumors as much as the next guy, but when you hear of someone doing something as weak and gutless as you did, well, it's time to speak out.

I'm not sure exactly what it was, possibly an earthquake or maybe a big thunderstorm, but what I heard is that as soon as the going got a little tough, you tucked your tail between your legs and RAN AWAY LIKE A COWARD!!!

You can bet John Wayne wouldn't have-

Oh, wait — a reader just sent me a pic he took of you shamelessly running to safety.  Jeez, buddy, what a spineless wimp you turned out to be!
 

Chicken!

Hi!  Thanks so much for offering to water my plants while I'm on vacation next week!  It's no big deal, and they only need watering twice a day!  

I did it!  I did it!

I just won a billion dollars playing Hoyle's Casino.

Sure, it took a lot a luck!

Sure, it took a bit of behind-the-scenes chicanery!

Sure, it was, in no small part, a measure of my skill and daring and incredible brain power topped only by my good looks and natural charm!

And what will be my reward, dare I ask?  Part ownership in Hoyle Enterprises?  Inclusion in Guinness for fastest billion dollars ever made?  Lunch with Bill Gates and he picks up the tab?

All I know is, when you win a billion dollars, the casino is going to treat you like royalty!

"Mr. President?  Congress has passed the bill."

"Good.  In this hour of our nation's greatest tragedy, I'm glad to see they haven't dragged their feet."

"Suicides are also down."

"Excellent.  The American people are resilient.  They should be able to pull out of this, and certainly my mandate to fly all American flags at half-mast for the next ten years should help remind them that their government feels their pain."

"I lost a brother-in-law over it."

"And one of my nephews is in intensive therapy.  But when a catastrophe like this tears the very fabric of the nation apart, I guess it's understandable."

Damn!  Something ate all the bird seed in your bird feeder again!  This is really getting annoying.  Every day for two weeks now, you've awakened to find your bird feeder completely empty!  What, oh what, could it be?  It's hung right in the middle of a rope that runs between two trees and it's almost impossible to get to!  You've killed all the local squirrels and chipmunks and raccoons and opossums and any other small critter that could pull off such a caper, but it's still being robbed!

What, oh what, could it be??   

"I hear you're getting married!"

"You bet!  Couldn't stop myself!  As soon as I saw her picture, I knew she was the girl for me." 

"When's she arriving?" 

"In about an hour.  I'm taking off for the airport in a few minutes." 

"So, is all the legal stuff done?" 

"Yep!  Marriage certificate, health certificate, immigration papers, everything's all finalized.  I can't wait!" 

"Got a picture of her?" 

"You bet!" 

"Wow!  I see what you mean!  Hubba-hubba!  And French, to boot!  What a sexpot!" 

"I'm a lucky guy!  She said she was emailing two pictures, but the other one never arrived.  Maybe it was too big for my email box.  Okay, gotta get to the airport to pick up my bride!" 

"See ya!" 

<car takes off> 

<email program goes 'ding!'> 

"So, I heard you taught Sparky a new trick.  Can I see it?"

"Sure!  It might take a few minutes, though.  We have to wait for a cute chick to come along." 

"Sounds good to me!" 

(4 minutes later)

"Okay, here we go.  What I'm going to do is pretend to be out walking my dog, and just before we pass each other, I'm going to pretend to step on something painful, go 'ouch, ouch', then ask her to hold Sparky's leash for a sec.  Got your camera ready?" 

"You bet!" 

"Okay, Sparky, remember your new trick?  Let's go, boy!" 
 

"Can I join your fishing club?"

"Of course!  All it costs is a ten-dollar sign-up fee and successfully passing the initiation."

"The initiation?"

"Oh, it's all in good fun.  You have to fish nude for 10 minutes to 'prove' you're a real fisherman.  It's a silly tradition, but we've been doing it for years."

"Sounds kooky!  Okay, where do I sign up?"

"Right here.  And if you'll first go down to the stream, Jim can monitor your initiation."

"Wild, man!  Okay, I'm off!  What are the fish biting today?"

"Worms."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

"You're positive?"

"Absolutely.  Raising the ticket prices by five dollars is no big deal.  The fans won't even notice."

"'You're sure?  We only get one shot at this.  If we don't fill the stands on opening day, the bank forecloses."

"Don't worry!  We'll pack 'em in!  Nobody's going to miss opening day!"

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure!"

You'd heard the rumors, but you didn't want to believe them.

Who would?

You guess it makes you a racist, but you really believe, deep in your heart, that one should stick with one's own kind.  It just seems more natural.  More reasonable.  More convenient for everyone involved.  You already know the slang and customs and in-house jokes that would otherwise take you a lifetime to learn.  It just seems more fitting to stick with one's own kind.

But does that make you a racist?  Well, you suppose so.

If only you hadn't installed that new security camera.

"Hi.  I'd like to apply for the window washer job."

"Excellent!  Have a seat.  We have immediate openings."

"Hey, that's great.  It, uh, it looks kind of dangerous way up there."

"Nonsense!  The equipment is closely inspected by experts every month.  You can rest assured that your equipment will always be in the best condition.  Nothing to worry about."

"You're sure?"

"I can promise you, your first day on the job will be calm and uneventful.  Might get a bit windy, though."

Finally, Socialism comes to America!  In the spirit of cooperativism, the tiny town of Blanch, Missouri, has decided to give every town resident an equal vote on the Town Council.

Thankfully, the first task before the Council was an easy one.  The rotunda in the center of town had gotten so busy that it was obviously time to put in a stoplight.  Being that the rotunda was like the center hub of a spoked wheel and all of the main roads ended there, the problem was which streets would be controlled by the new light.  Since nobody wanted to have their street controlled by some annoying stoplight, naturally there was a heated debate over the matter.

But, thanks to the new Socialist approach to the problem, a solution was reached that satisfied everyone!

That's it!  You're pissed!  You've just had your SECOND bicycle stolen this year!  You are getting seriously angry, and it's time to do something about it!

And what's really ticking you off is that it looks like the thief just picked the lock and pedaled merrily away!  The goddam lock's just lying there on the ground, open!  Obviously, it's time to do some research and buy a really good lock.

You investigate the matter thoroughly and find the best bike lock in the universe.  It costs a ton of money, but you buy two of them, you're so determined not to lose another bike.

You arrive home from the store, slap them on your bike and go to sleep that night, worry-free for the first time in a long, long time.

Brii-i-i-ing!! 

Good morning!  Ah, you can finally look out your window and know your expensive bicycle will still be there! 

To give credit where credit is due, some of the tactics the insurgents in Iraq have used to deploy IED's (improvised explosive devices) have been fairly clever.  Nasty, underhanded, cheap shots and not sporting, old man — but clever. 

This, however, is simply going too far!

Hey, bud, how's it goin'?

I just wanted to let you know that I'm glad you took my advice to use Ginger as a guide dog.  Your recent blindness is certainly a tragedy, but there's really no need to spend the money on a professional guide dog.  I mean, have you priced one?  We're talkin' thousands of bucks, man.

And what's the worst that could happen?  You know the streets around here like the back of your hand, and Ginger's smart enough to pick up on what's happening.  Save your money, man, that's my advice.  And I-

"Arf!  Arf!"

Hey, they're home!  Hi, Ginger! 

"Arf!  Arf!" 

You ready to go for your first walk as a guide dog? 

"Arf!  Arf!" 

Good girl!  Okay, catch ya later, buddy.  Take it easy on your first walk, okay?  Bye, Ginger! 

"Arf!  Arf!" 

"HOLD ON, FLUFFY!" 

You'll have to excuse me.  My adorable little munchkin is clawing at the back door and yowling to get in, but all of the books say to show them who's boss, so I'm not supposed to just jump up the second she starts scratching at the door and open it for her.

I haven't written much about living in Florida, mainly because I really haven't found it any different than living anywhere else.  The weather's a little humid during the summer, but it was humid when I lived in New England.  The winters are mild, but so were the winters in California where I grew up.  And the people, overall, are just the usual mixed bag that you see in America.  This isn't the-

"HOLD ON, FLUFFY!"

This isn't the "Deep South" by any stretch of the imagination.  If it weren't for the hominy grits and buffalo wings on the menu, you'd hardly know you were in the South at all.  And I-

"HOLD ON, FLUFFY!"

I guess I'd better let the little rascal in.  I'll catch up with ya later.  To sum it up, Florida living is great, but no different than anywhere else.

"COMING, GIRL!"

A monarch is dead, and you're the detective on the case. 

Royal murders are always particularly lurid and sensational you think to yourself as you drive toward the crime scene.  The reporters are already there, the vultures.  The cop on the beat said it was pretty bad.  A slit throat.  Lots of blood. 

"Why royalty, and why now?", you ponder as you wheel into the parking lot.  You can already see the crowd over in a corner of the playing field where the murder took place.

"Why royalty, and why the King?" you ask yourself not for the last time.

"So, Billy says Santa's big present to Jimmy made him cry.  Is that true?"

"Nonsense!  You should know better than to listen to kids.  It took a little assembly and he grew impatient and started whining.  You know how kids are on Christmas morning."

"Well, Billy said you assembled it wrong."

"Uh, pardon me, but how do you assemble a tricycle 'wrong'?  Three wheels, handlebars — did I miss anything?  The thing was made up of about five pieces and just snapped together.  No big deal."

"Well, then, why is Jimmy still crying?  I just heard him out front bawling his little eyes out."

"Oh, now it's not going fast enough for him.  You just can't please some kids!"

Okay, this job looks easy enough.  Because parking's a little tight around here, delivery trucks keep parking in this corner spot illegally, blocking pedestrians, so the city has decided to put up barricades.  About seven of them should do the trick!  And these are the real deal, folks.  Massive iron posts that are driven ten feet into the ground, surrounded by a permanent bond of epoxy-concrete.  Hell's gonna freeze over before these babies are comin' out! 

Well, we're just about wrapped up and ready to hit the road!

"I want a divorce." 

"WHAT??" 

"I saw you being intimate with another woman last night, and I want a divorce!" 

"WHAT??" 

"I saw you with my own eyes!  I came home early from my meeting and glanced in through the window.  I couldn't see much through the slit in the curtains, but I saw your shadows on the wall, plain as day!  Smoking and boozing it up?  Oh, it was you, all right!  And who was that little floozy you were with?" 

"WHAT??" 

"I saw you with my own eyes, damn it!  Don't lie to me!  Who was she?!" 

"WHAT??" 

"I'm...I'm leaving now.  I just can't take any more.  I'm heading straight for my lawyer's office and we're going to take you for every dime you've got, you cheating bastard!" 

"WHAT??" 

"Goodbye!" 

<SLAM!>

"WHAT??" 

"I'm innocent, I tell you!" 

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say.  We'll let the lie detector be the judge.  Are you ready, Shirley?" 

"Ready, Chief." 

"Okay.  Mr. Jenkins, where were you this afternoon at approximately 2:15 when the murder took place?" 

"I told you!  I was walking barefoot on my lawn!" 

"Shirley?" 

"Machine says he's telling the truth, Chief." 

"Hmm.  Okay, so you were outside...did you leave the lawn for even a minute?" 

"No, damn it!  I was just doing a little jogging, running around barefoot on my lawn, which I THOUGHT I HAD THE RIGHT TO DO!!" 

"No need to shout, Mr. Jenkins.  Shirley?" 

"Tellin' the truth, Chief." 

"Dammit.  Okay, one last try.  Mr. Jenkins, at any time between two and three o'clock this afternoon, did you leave your lawn for even one second?" 

"NO!  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!" 

"Tellin' the truth, Chief." 

"Hell's bells.  Okay, Frank, let him go.  Mr. Jenkins, sorry to have bothered you." 

"You'll be hearing from my lawyer!  A man can't even jog around barefoot on his own lawn without getting hassled by the cops?  Outrageous!" 

(door closes) 

"Damn, Chief, I really thought we had the right guy." 

"Yeah, me too, but the machine's proven itself to be accurate.  Still, I can't help but feel we're missing something." 

Oh, no!  Your sister fixed you up with a blind date!  Worse, you hear she weighs 320 pounds!  What a porker!  She's going to be one of those 5-foot monsters that's wider than she is tall!  What are you going to do? 

<ding-dong!> 

Oh, no!  They're here!!

Well, good luck, buddy!