"So, Corporal Klizenhoffer, you know zee plan?" 

"Jawohl, mein Kapitan!" 

"With zis plan, vee shall destroy Britain!" 

"Jawohl, mein Kapitan!" 

"Using Wales as zee back door to Britain was zee master stroke by der Führer, no?" 

"Jawohl, mein Kapitan!" 

"After parachute jump into Wales, you must find zee nearest village and memorize zee name to radio back to us.  You must NOT write anything down else you be shot as spy!" 

"Jawohl, mein Kapitan!" 

"Good luck, Corporal Klizenhoffer!" 

"Thank you, mein Kapitan!" 

"That certainly is an impressive sword collection your husband has." 

"Why, yes, it is."

"So, how's the rooftop playground coming along?"  

"Just fine.  The painter finished up this morning and the first kids to use it are heading out there now."  

"Didn't you say the painter was doing this in his spare time?"  

"Yes, that's what he said."  

"Who's his regular job with?"  

"Planned Parenthood."  

"Finally!  I'm finished!"  

"That's wonderful, dear!"  

"Ten years of research, thousands of dollars to get the plans drawn up, but it's all going to be worth it!"  

"Is the Japanese company on its way?"  

"Yes, they should be here any minute.  They were the only ones to show any interest in my idea, and they've got a plane to catch so they can only give me 15 minutes to present it, but I'm ready for them!  We're going to be rich!  Rich!"  

"That's wonderful, dear!"  

"By the way, where's Scruffy?"  

"I'm sorry, Susan, but you're fired."  

"No!  You can't!  I swear I didn't steal the money!"  

"Susan, I hate to call you a liar, but three people saw you put the cash in your purse, and then a block later you're claiming that it somehow mysteriously vanished?"  

"But it did!  My purse never left my shoulder for an instant and I didn't stop and talk to a single person on my way here!  All I did was reach down for a second to pet some baby ducks while waiting at the light, and there wasn't anyone around me!"  

"I'm sorry, Susan, but you're still fired."  

"But I'm innocent!"  

"I'm sorry, Bob, but you're fired."  

"No!  You can't!  I swear I didn't steal the money!"

"Bob, I hate to call you a liar, but three people saw you load up the candy bar machine, and now that it's empty you're claiming the money simply vanished?"

"But it must have!  I loaded up the machine, then when I went back a day later, the candy bars were gone but there wasn't any money!"

"I'm sorry, Bob, but you're still fired."

"But I'm innocent!"

"Say, I heard all that stuff about polar bears getting 'stuck' on melting ice bergs was all nonsense.  That they can swim for upwards of sixty miles at sea."  

"What?  Are you drunk?  Polar bears are great big heavy animals that sink like a stone the second they stop paddling.  And they have great big furry paws, rather than anything that even remotely resembles a flipper, so they're clearly not designed to swim long distances at sea.  You really don't know your sea mammals very well, do you?  What's next, kangaroos?" 

Minutes from the first and last meeting of the "Love Your Shark" branch of PETA:  

8:15 am — Meeting called to order.   

8:41 am — Jim McPherson elected president, Nancy McPherson elected secretary, Betty Darwimple elected treasurer, Bob Darwimple elected boat captain. 

9:16 am — Resolution passed acknowledging that sharks are God's The Intelligent Creator's Something's gift to humanpersonity and that sharks have feelings, too.  It is hereby resolved to photograph our feeding these poor, misunderstood creatures of the earth and thus display to the world how cruel it is to allow boats on the open seas, upsetting the sharks' delicate environment and endangering the planet's harmony with the universe. 

10:09 am — Meeting adjourned.

I really hate to brag about my fast car.  

Really, I do.  When you own a Firebird Formula with 400 horses under the hood, talking about it being 'fast' just seems so...

unnecessary.  

But just how fast is it?  Well, thanks for asking.  

Take 400 horsepower and multiply it by four great big, meaty tires and then divide by the reciprocal of an automatic transmission that has a special setting that eliminates any pause between shifts.  

That fast.  

But how can I give you guys an example?  You can't tell from pictures how fast a car is going, and if I did a video of it, you'd just accuse me of speeding up the video.  And that would be a damn smart accusation, too, me being a video god and all.  

But, as it turns out, there is a way! 

<rii-ii-iing!>  

"Seventh Precinct, Officer Stratton speaking."  

"Hello, this is Jim Benning from the National Enquirer.  I'm doing a series on police corruption and your name came up.  Is it true you've been harassing minors? 

"That's preposterous!  It's true that I focus on juvenile delinquents, but that's because I believe that there's no such thing as starting a young man too early on the path to good citizenship." 

"So you deny any claim that you're purposefully targeting minors?" 

"Of course!  Rest assured that any ticket I hand out is well-deserved.  By the way, would you like a photo of me for your article?" 

"No, thanks, I already have one."

"Once again, for the record, I don't target minors!"

A famous athlete is missing, and you're the detective on the case.   

Celebrity cases are always particularly lurid and sensational you think to yourself as you drive toward the crime scene.  The reporters are already there, the vultures.  The cop on the beat said it was pretty bad.  No evidence whatsoever.  

"Why an athlete, and why now?," you ponder as you wheel into the parking lot.  You can already see the crowd over in a corner of the playing field where he went missing.  It was at an afternoon practice session so no one was paying any particular attention to him as he did his practice runs.  He was suddenly just gone.  It was as if the earth had just swallowed him up. 

Perhaps a review of the security cameras will turn up something.  

"I mean it!  This is a serious motorcycle for serious riders and I won't cheapen it!" 

"With all due respect, sir, as a professional in the field, I can assure you that this is necessary.  It's practically the 'rule' that every motorcycle ad have a pretty girl in it.  To be perfectly honest, the ad would look kind of odd without one.  And she'll just be in the background for effect.  The readers will barely notice her." 

"You're sure?" 

"I'm sure."